BUILD PEACE IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS

By working toward peace and harmony in your relationships, you recognize the principle that all human beings are ultimately part of the same consciousness. At the deepest level, all of us are interconnected as one humanity. What you do to another, you do to yourself. For many centuries, people have been divided along lines of national identity, race, religion, and ethnicity. In the twentieth century alone, nearly one hundred million people died as the result of major or lesser wars. In the future, diminishing resources and climate change may lead to increased conflict between the "haves" and "have-nots" around the globe. There can be no peace without a worldwide shift in consciousness toward an understanding that all of us are part of the same humanity—a common brother and sisterhood. As conditions on the planet become increasingly challenging, the need for each of us to build peace in all our relations will increase. The emerging new worldview asks us to begin to identify ourselves as "global citizens," people of One Earth, instead of strongly defining ourselves by religion, race, nationality, or ethnicity. Perhaps the earth must be faced with many challenges before all of us are moved to wake up and join one another, perceiving "we are all in this together".

Fundamental Attitudes for Peaceful Communication

Peaceful communication, whether with family members, employers, or as participants in group negotiations, means bringing certain fundamental attitudes and abilities to the table.

Respect

When you respect another, you are willing to suspend any judgments or reactions you have of the other person and take the time to hear them out. Respect requires overcoming polarized ways of thinking that divide people into "us" vs. "them" ( such as victims vs. perpetrators, insiders vs. outsiders, or righteous vs. unrighteous) and recognizing that we are all united by a common humanity. Each of us deserves basic respect just by virtue of the fact of being human.

Acceptance/Appreciation of Differences

Personalities and personal values differ. To build peaceful relations, it's important to be able to accept that the other(s) may have perceptions of reality that may be quite different from your own, and that this is OK and to be expected. By accepting that others have different perceptions, and often different values, we begin to accept rather than resist them as persons. Therein lies the basis for mutual understanding and eventual compromise— rather than conflict— in resolving differences.

Recognize and Take Back Projections

Peaceful communication requires the ability to recognize when your perception of another is skewed by your own projections. Often you may project onto another some unwanted or denied aspect of yourself that you prefer not to acknowledge. For example, you may judge someone whom you see as angry because you wish not to acknowledge repressed anger within yourself. Or perhaps you are intolerant of someone whose decisions are based on feelings, since you tend to be very rational and deny your own feelings as a basis for decision-making.

When you find yourself in judgment about someone, ask yourself whether you are projecting onto them something you don't wish to look at in yourself. Try this especially with your partner or spouse, if you are part of a couple. If you identify traits such as anger, intolerance, overcontrol, or neediness in yourself, own them and acknowledge that they may skew your perception. Then work on seeing the other person as more complex and multifaceted than your projection.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to take another person's point of view, even if different from your own. Understanding another's point of view requires putting aside your own agenda, as well as any judgments, and really listening to what they have to say, whether or not you agree with it. More than that, it requires stepping inside the other's perspective and attempting to see the world from their point of view, again, whether you agree with it or not.

Look for the Underlying Need

If someone is acting in a critical or angry fashion, look beyond their overt behavior and seek to understand what they are actually asking for—what they ultimately need. Behind seemingly undesirable behavior there is almost always some unexpressed need. A great deal of conflict, at all levels of human relationship, is based on defending against another's behavior perceived to be angry, intolerant, or self-serving. If each of us could look beyond the overt behavior and attempt to understand the person's underlying need, imagine how that might contribute to avoiding conflict and building peace. This constitutes a virtual paradigm shift: from perceiving the other as "wrong" to perceiving their woundedness and need for healing. Now multiply this shift in perspective from individual relationships to relationships among groups, religions, races, and nations, and you have the basis for building a peaceful world civilization based on compassion rather than prejudice.

Ability to Compromise

When faced with conflict, if you wish to preserve the relationship(s), it is essential to strive to find a compromise solution where all parties can get at least some of what they want. Often this means giving up some of what you want in order to foster conflict-resolution with another person or within a group of people. Every time you are willing to let go of some of your own position for the sake of the group's vision or goal, you contribute to the new consciousness emerging on the planet at this time. In this new worldview, traditionally feminine values of cooperation, collaboration, and interrelationship are beginning to supplant older, traditionally masculine values of competitiveness, dominance, and winning at all costs.

These attitudes and abilities: respect, empathy, acceptance of differences, re-owning projections, looking beyond overt behavior to the underlying need, and the ability to compromise—are key ingredients in the choice to build peace rather than conflict in human relationships at all levels. The ultimate foundation for all six attitudes is the compassion and love that defines the essence of the human heart. Choosing to embrace these attitudes, whether in individual relationships or at the level of governments, is to make a choice for cooperation over conflict, and ultimately for compassion over fear and distrust.

Communication Basics

Somewhere in school or at work you have probably been exposed to basic skills for good communication. While some or all of these skills may be familiar, they are worth repeating, as they are essential to promoting interpersonal peace.

Listening

Listen carefully to the other without
interruption or judgment This sometimes requires effort. It’s easy to allow your own reactions and preoccupations to interfere with giving your full attention to whoever is speaking. Being a good listener means being able to suspend your reactions, judgments, and desires to offer feedback and just hear the person out.

When you listen to another, work on avoiding:

criticisms and blaming, for example:
"You don’t ever listen to me."
moralistic judgments: "I don’t think you’re making much of an effort," "Stop acting
like a victim."
comparisons with others: "Your sister doesn’t give me this kind of trouble."
demands: "Take out the trash right now!" Rephrase what you like as a request: "I would appreciate it if you would take out the trash as soon as possible."

Listen actively Offer feedback summarizing the content of what you hear the other person say to let them know you’ve heard them. For example, you can attempt to paraphrase what they say or attempt to make a summary statement after they have spoken for a minute or two. Then wait for them to give you feedback about what you heard them say. If you didn’t quite get it right, be willing to have them correct you. Active listening is a skill that takes some practice to develop.

Get to the Underlying Need If the other person’s communication is negative (defensive, attacking, judging, complaining), help them to identify the underlying need that isn’t being met for them. Ask them: “What is it that you would like?” “What is it that you need in order to feel better about this situation?”

Propose a Solution After you have identified the other person’s need, let them know what you’re willing to do in order to help them meet their need.

Talking

How you speak to another, especially in situations of conflict, is just as important as how well you listen.

Keep the following guidelines in mind:

Avoid blaming or attacking the other person If you’re upset with something someone did, refrain from making them responsible. Instead, let them know how what they did made you feel. Instead of: "You don’t really give a _____ about me," you could say: "When you are an hour late for our appointment, I feel discounted."

Take personal responsibility for your
feelings rather than putting them on the other person. Say "I felt disappointed when you didn’t meet me at the time you said you would” rather than "You made me feel upset" or "You don't understand me."

Avoid character attributions—refer instead
to specific behaviors If you are upset with someone' s action, specify the particular behavior that led to your being upset. Then say how that behavior resulted in your being upset. For example, you might say: "When you didn' t return my call, I felt discounted" instead of "That wasn' t very nice of you " or "You' re an idiot for doing that."

Ask specifically for what you want Think about what it is you would like from the other person and then ask for what you want directly, in a calm manner, without demanding it or threatening them. For example, you might say: "I would like you to return my calls" or "Would you be willing to get back to me within a few days?" Make sure that when you ask for something you are making a request, rather than a demand.

Be willing to negotiate and compromise in the process of meeting your needs vis-à-vis the other person. In order to find a compromise, you may need to use conflict resolution skills which are briefly described below.

Working Principles for Effective Communication

Beyond skills for effective listening and talking, there are certain general communication principles to keep in mind, especially if you’re dealing with a conflict situation.

Feelings need to be expressed before negotiation is possible. People are unable problem-solve until they have had a chance to express their feelings about a problem situation. Give them time to vent feelings before asking them to negotiate a solution.

Postpone conflict resolution if anger runs high. Perhaps even more time may be needed for one or more parties to “cool down” after having expressed angry feelings. Sometimes it is best to postpone working on conflict resolution to another time or day. If you are angry, take an exercise break to help discharge your anger.

Avoid letting a conflict festerWhenever possible, attempt to re-address a problem within 24 hours of bringing it up or soon thereafter.

Forgive others and yourself

Forgive others and yourself Effective communication can overcome conflict and disagreement with others. Forgiveness can overcome longstanding resentments that hold individuals, groups, or even nations apart. Both are needed to restore peace among differing religious, racial, and ethnic groups around the planet. Forgiveness especially is needed when anger runs deep or is entrenched. The war torn history of humanity over the past five thousand years has borne witness to the effect of an "us vs. them" mentality. The emerging worldview requires a fundamental shift toward forgiving old resentments and perceiving the common humanity that all of us share. Forgiveness leads to acceptance and respect for all types of people, no matter who they are or where they are from. It is a transformative practice that each of us can cultivate, beginning at home and then spreading out to others in increasing circles of influence. So this brief section focuses on how each of us can personally practice forgiveness.

Forgiveness is one of the greatest acts of healing possible, whether between two persons or toward yourself. It opens channels for love to overcome fear or resentment, no matter what has gone before. In forgiving another, you liberate yourself from any resentment or hurt you may have been withholding--painful emotions that can only disrupt your peace of mind. In forgiving yourself (for past or present mistakes), you come to fully accept yourself. By so doing, you make a space in your life to move toward a positive future unfettered by your past.

Why is it so often difficult to forgive? One of the biggest obstacles occurs in trying to forgive someone or something before you feel ready to. It's impossible to genuinely forgive another when it's something you feel you should do. Forgiveness can't be forced—it's an experience that needs to emerge naturally after you have had the opportunity to acknowledge and express any feelings of anger or hurt. If you are still angry with someone over something they said or did, it's unlikely you will be ready to forgive them you until you have communicated your angry feelings (either to them directly or to someone else). This is best done in a non-blaming way; you simply let them know that what they did to make you angry (and perhaps hurt you as well), without putting them down. Afterward you may experience a heartfelt shift, coming to a place of clarity where it is possible to forgive.

If the person you need to forgive is no longer around or alive, or if you don't wish to speak with them, you can still work through any unresolved anger or pain by writing a letter to them disclosing all of your feelings in detail. It does not matter whether you ever send the letter—what is important is expressing your unfinished feelings. Only then can you be open to the possibility of genuine forgiveness. If you write such a letter, you may choose to share it with a friend.

An important aid to forgiveness is empathy. It's easier to forgive if you can take the role of the other person and attempt to understand where they are (or were) coming from. Forgiveness is difficult when another person's hurtful action is incomprehensible. If you don't understand them, what they did may seem arbitrary, unfeeling, or possibly cruel. In attempting to understand what led another to act as they did, you may not agree with their position, but at least their behavior becomes comprehensible. Perhaps what they did arose out of considerable suffering on their part—in which case you may be able to feel some compassion.

Understanding the abusive backgrounds of unhappy parents who abuse their children does not condone their ugly behavior. Yet it may allow enough insight to open the door to understanding and eventually forgiveness. Sometimes, of course, even understanding may not be sufficient to allow for forgiveness. In such cases it's important simply to accept that what happened did happen. Acceptance is the first step: saying "what happened, happened." Then you can grieve your consequent loss and begin to put what happened in the past, where it belongs, so that you are free to go on with the present.

Coming to terms with angry or hurt feelings toward another is a difficult but powerful means to opening yourself to a greater experience of love in your life. In truth, the past cannot be changed—it can only remembered and released.

When you do reach the point where you can forgive another, you are no longer likely to be afraid of them. Forgiveness frees you of inner stress or turmoil you have felt toward someone; it also frees them to make amends to you. Forgiveness is a sacred act—it reaches beyond the limitations of human personality and behavior to the spiritual essence that all of us share.

Forgiveness of yourself for past mistakes is just as critical for peace of mind as forgiveness of others. Self-forgiveness begins with acknowledging the regret you feel about past or present mistakes. Often it can be helpful to express this to someone else—or at least a journal. The key then is simply to recognize your own inherent worth. Are you ready to see yourself as still acceptable and lovable, no matter what you did? Very likely you would not have done otherwise, given the circumstances and awareness that you had at the time. Ask yourself whether you are ready to let go of what happened and move on. While forgiving others heals anger and resentment, forgiving yourself heals internal conflict and restores faith and confidence in yourself.

FORGIVENESS EXERCISE

Think about a person who hurt you or did something you find difficult to forgive (whether this person is alive or dead).
What did this person do that you find most difficult to forgive? If there are many things, start with the most difficult first.
Write a letter to this person, speaking from your heart about all of your feelings toward them and toward what they did. Take time to do this and do not hold anything back—you may need several pages. It isn’t necessary and may not be appropriate to send the letter.
When your letter is done, share it with a person you are close to and trust (or else a professional counselor). Feel free to express any feelings that come up aloud to the person with whom you are confiding in. Give yourself at least one hour for this.

Now think about the person who hurt you again. Do you feel ready to forgive them—in all sincerity—or do you feel you are not ready? If you are not ready to forgive, it’s time to work on accepting the fact of what happened so that you can let go of the past and move on. Working with statements such as “It happened and it’s over” or “It’s in the past and I can go on” may facilitate the process. If you feel sadness and grief in the process of doing this, accept that it’s part of the healing.
If you feel you are ready to forgive the person, take time to relax, close your eyes and visualize that person (whether they are alive or not) standing before you. Then speak to them as if they were present right now, telling them that you forgive them for what they did in whatever words feel appropriate. If you are able to truly forgive them, you will feel as though a weight has been lifted. (Note: If you feel you need to forgive yourself for something in the past, visualize yourself and follow the same instructions.)

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